Saying Goodbye
by Lysa-uk
Summary: This is about what could have happened after the series of indescrestions between Willow and Xander. This deals with a way they could have put the events behind them, and move on. (BTW, big thank you to Warren.)


Title: Saying Goodbye

Author: Lysa_uk

Distribution: As long as you ask first.

Feedback: Yes, please. All feedback to lysaharris@fsmail.net.

Pairing: Willow/Xander

Spoilers: Season Three, earlier episodes.

Summary: Willow and Xander say goodbye to the opportunity that could have arisen from the 'Fluke' and subsequent relationship after.

Disclaimer: I don't own these characters, they belong to Joss Whedon/UPN/Mutant Enemy. Don't sue, I don't have anything.

Rating: PG.

Authors Notes: This never happened in the show, but in my mind I think that after what happened in the factory, an ending was needed to explain the sudden change in their behaviours afterwards.

SAYING GOODBYE

Xander watched as Willow sat on the swing set at the playground. He had been waiting for her for almost an hour, and now that she was finally here he wasn't exactly sure that he could go through with this. They had been to this park almost every day when they were younger. From the age of four years old, they had been inseparable through broken crayons, stolen Barbie's and Cordelia Chase. As he thought of the latter he winced involuntarily. He really hadn't meant to hurt his girlfriend, but there was this unseen force that kept pulling him back to his best friend. The sun shone brightly on her as she used her feet to gently push herself off from her seated position, to begin swinging. Her hair glinted like fire at him, as if taunting him, attracting him closer like a moth with no will of its own. He was surprised she had shown up at all. He hadn't expected her to after everything that had happened, but she had told him that it wasn't his fault. They had both been to blame, and now they just had to face the consequences. He looked around the deserted playground, smiling when he realized that they were totally alone. But then a panic hit him as he realized that if they were alone, would they be able to resist? What scared him even more was not knowing whether or not he would want to. He watched her a moment more, allowing himself the luxury of remembering those kisses they had shared, before he finally headed towards her.

Although Willow didn't see him approaching her from behind, when his hands touched her back she wasn't afraid. She instinctively knew that it was him because every single nerve and hair standing on end knew his touch.

"Want me to push you?" he asked as the scent of her shampoo wafted up into his face, and he had to close his eyes against it.

"Sure," she allowed.

Xander gently pushed on her back as she swung back and forth, waiting until she seemed high enough to move around the metal frame to sit on the swing beside her. He straddled the seat so he could face her, gripping the metal chain at the side tightly, as if afraid that he would fall off. "I wasn't sure if you were going to show."

"Well, it was hard getting out of class. Snyder was lurking around, just waiting for a chance to pounce."

"Aren't you going to ask me why we're here?" he asked her finally.

"Nope," she told him as her motion slowed. She used her feet to stop herself, scuffing the sneakers she was wearing. She looked down at it sadly, inspecting the damage. "I think I already know."

"Well, you were always the smart one."

"No, I wasn't. I was the one who applied herself. You're the one who puts himself down all the time."

"Yeah, well, it's easier that way. It means it doesn't hurt as much when other people do it."

"Don't talk like that, Xander." She watched him looking off into the distance, wondering what he was thinking about. Then she remembered. She remembered them being together in the basement four days ago, and she remembered Oz and Cordelia finding them kissing on the bed. "How's Cordy?"

Xander looked at her, his eyes glinting with unshed tears. "She's, um…she's doing better."

"Have you seen her?"

"Yeah, I went in yesterday, took some flowers. She told me to leave."

"I'm sorry, Xander." She said sincerely.

"So am I. What about Oz?"

"He…he doesn't want to speak to me. Or look at me." She thought for a moment. "I guess we can't blame them, huh?"

"I guess. Willow, I am so…"

"Don't say it, Xander."

"You don't even know what I was going to say."

"You were going to say that you were sorry again. I don't want to hear it. You keep blaming yourself for all of this, and that's just not the way it happened. That first time we kissed…I don't think either of us knew how this would end up. I know that you think we made a mistake—"

"I love you."

"—but we have to deal…you what?"

"I love you."

Willow turned her swing, the chains twisting above her head, facing him wide-eyed and clueless. "You…love…me…?" she squeaked out. She looked into his eyes, and there it was, as plain as day. "Xander, when…when I was in that coma after…in the hospital…that was you, wasn't it?"

"What was me?" he asked, intending to seem confused when all he really showed was his fear.

"This isn't the time to play around, Xander. When I was in the hospital I heard someone say they loved me. All this time I thought it was Oz…but it was you?"

"Okay, it was me."

"Why didn't you tell me this before?"

"I couldn't. I didn't want to break up what you and Oz had – ironic really, considering the situation we're in at the moment. Maybe if I had told you, none of this would've happened."

"We can't live our lives on 'maybe's', Xander. That isn't how it works. Do you really love me?"

"Willow, I know that this is way too late, but yeah, I love you."

"I love you, too. But we're not going to be together, are we?" she swung back in her swing so that she was facing forward again. She realized the question had come out as more of a statement, but he wasn't denying it.

"No, we're not." He said finally. "Everything that's happened…I'm not what you need right now. You love Oz…that's who you need to be with."

"I do love Oz…but it's different to the love I have for you."

"I know."

"So what do we do, pretend all of this never happened? Make out to everyone that it was all some big mistake and that it will never happen again?"

"I think that's the best option for everyone, don't you?"

"Yeah, everyone who's not us."

"This isn't what I want, Willow. This is what we need to do. You need to be with Oz."

"Look, if this is about you wanting to get back with Cordelia, that's fine. Just tell me straight."

"That's not what this is about." He stood up and took her hand, gently pulling her to him from the swing. 

She resisted at first, but she had no resolve left once she looked into his eyes. Her eyes seemed to spring tears of their own accord as he took her into his arms and held her so close she could feel his heart beating. Eventually, her arms wound around his neck and she clung to him.

When Xander reluctantly broke the embrace, he wiped the tear running down her cheek with his thumb. "I do love you, Willow, but right now I can't do this. I can't…" he put his head to hers. "If we were to be together now…that would be it for me. I know that I would lose myself in you so much that I'd never be able to think straight again. I need time to grow up, Willow. You love Oz, so you should try to salvage what you can of your relationship with him. I'm not asking you to wait for me, because that's not fair. But one day, we're both going to be ready. I wish I knew when that would be…but we have to believe that it will happen one day." He used his hand to tilt her chin and seeing her tears made his heart break a little bit more. He leant towards her and his lips connected with hers in the softest kiss he had ever experienced.

They reveled in each other for a moment, forgetting their troubles for the briefest of moments. Their tongues intertwined, fitting against each other perfectly as they began teasing each other. All too soon the kiss ended, bringing them both back to reality with a jolt when cold rain began to pour down on them, somehow reprimanding them for the intimate moment.

"We're saying goodbye to us, aren't we?" Willow asked sadly.

"Not forever, just for now."

"I don't think I can do this…" she admitted in a small voice.

"You can. You're the strongest person I know, and I love you for it. We will be together one day, and it will be perfect, but things are going to get tough before that happens. We both have to remember why we're doing this. I don't want you to ever doubt my feelings for you."

His hands held her face, and she brought hers up to cover them as the rain continued to pour. "I know you love me, Xander." She met his eyes. "I love you." She whispered.

"Then this is it…"

"It looks like it…" She moved forward in a quick motion and kissed him hard on the lips, pouring all her emotion into him as she clung onto him. When she felt like she could take no more, she pulled away. "Goodbye, Xander…" she whispered, before she ran away.

Xander watched her retreating figure and felt the tears running down his cheek. "Goodbye, Willow…" He touched it gingerly, startled to find that it was raining, and struggled to remember when it had began. He wanted to run after her, to tell her to forget all of the other stuff and to just be with him. But he didn't. They had done the right thing, he was sure of it.

They had said goodbye.

The End


End file.
